My Fair Lady
by BleachedMerc
Summary: After healing Axel's lethal wounds, a fair maiden is cursed by the Heartless and doomed to obscurity. Prequel to Passing Passions.
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time in a quaint, enchanted village there lived a beautiful maiden named Lady Britannia. The good lady was beloved by all the villagers. She was noble, with hair as fair as the golden sun and skin as soft and white as snow. Her voice was melodious and her warm touch could heal even the coldest heart. Her smile could make the darkest days seem bright, and her voice could charm the fish right out of the fishbowl. Indeed, Lady Britannia was a jewel—the heavenly angel of the village.

All was peaceful and right in the world. But then, Axel came. He was wounded after a long, hard fight against the Heartless. So Lady Britannia, being the gift from the Heavens that she was, mended his broken heart. He was cured, but the Heartless—ever envious of her purity and grace—swore a vendetta against Lady Britannia. After scheming for a thousand days and nights, the Heartless planned their plan of terror.

One day, Lady Britannia's parents received a flier in the mail saying they won a Time Share raffle in Urban City, so they packed their bags and headed east. They then enrolled Lady Britannia in public school where she learned how to make a shiv, get tattoos using Bic pens, and how to do a shake-down. She passed her entrance exams (by surviving an hour in a room filled with juvenile delinquents).

Despite excelling in her studies, Lady Britannia had no friends. She was an outcast. There were no friendly woodland creatures for her to converse with or amiable village laborers for her to sing to. In fact, singing was frowned upon at school. So to fill the void of loneliness, Lady Britannia took to overindulging. She leaned more towards baked goods than salty snacks and meats, and was often seen stuffing all sorts of cakes into her pie hole.

Some time passed and the authorities came knocking on Lady Britannia's door. They found out that her parents were squatting in a condemned building and had them arrested. In other words, they put them into "school" too. They failed their entrance exams.

Lady Britannia was then transferred to an orphanage, but after a crazed masked man came in with guns blazing and kidnapped a little girl, the orphanage lost funding and Lady Britannia was forced to do hard labor as a greeter at Walmart. The warden—a tough-as-nuts-and-bolts security guard named Hayner—kept a close watch on all his prisoners. He was charged by the higher-ups to indoctrinate everyone on truth, justice, and the American way as part of the rehab and roll-back program.

"Listen up, you sissy wimps!" he would say with a crack of the whip. "We don't take kindly to TERRORISTS in this GREAT NATION trying to TERRORIZE the GREAT PEOPLE of this GREAT and FREE and JUST country! It is an INALIENABLE RIGHT that the GREAT PEOPLE of this GREAT NATION have the FREEDOM and SECURITY and JUSTICE that Walmart offers for FREE! Do you UNDERSTAND...PUNKS?!"

After suffering through the grueling rehab and roll-back program, Lady Britannia was let out on parole. She was then adopted by a sweet couple that had lost their child. But when they tried to teach her how to hunt for gazelle and drink stiff tea, all she could do was scarf down pastries. So they ditched her in a ditch where Timothy looked out for her. The arrangement didn't last long because, you know, it was a ditch.

Lady Britannia then went to sea, but after bumping heads with the Spanish armada and a cutthroat band of auctioneering pirates, she wound up somewhere deep in the heart of the Caribbean. While there, she sought to get a job in Tortuga, but no one would have her. She was stigmatized. The Heartless saw to it that she could never get another job again.

Lady Britannia left the Caribbean by stowing away on the Blackbird. While Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen argued over Borgs and Orcs, Lady Britannia managed to slather on some feathers and blue paint and replaced the pilot. She then crashed into a parking lot because she had no formal aviation training.

* * *

"Okay, okay. I think we've heard enough..." Miss Hendricks, the eleventh grade teacher said as she got up from her desk. "Thank you for the interesting, uh, introduction, Brittany," she said, giving Brittany and awkward little clap. "Welcome to our school."

Brittany, the chubby little new girl with the Twinkie in her eye turned beet red. "I see the future!" she said eerily. "It will all come to pass! Mark my words!" Her Twinkie glowed with a strange aura. "I have one more prediction..."

"Yes, well, I have to start class now. Welcome again to our class! Please take your seat next to Lxily."

"But...!"

"No Butz!" said Miss Hendricks just as the Butz blew through the window. She shot him with the M37 she kept under her desk in case of emergencies. "Now sit down!"

Brittany waddled over to her desk, and after taking several minutes to jam and corkscrew herself into the tight squeeze, opened up a pack of cupcakes. She needed a quick fix. Then the girl next to her turned to introduce herself...

To be concluded in the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

"Liek... Oh-mah-gawd.. you are so faaaat!" Lxily said between great big smacks of chewing her bubble gum.

Brittany blushed. Nervously unwrapping a twinkie and smushing it into her eye on reflex.

Lxily tilted her head. "And so... different." She half squinted before shaking head in amazement.

"Do you like... practice or something?" Lxily said, half-fascinated.

"Practice what?" Brittany said nervously, reaching into her backpack to grab a huge hunk of ham her half-sister had lovingly narrated for her.

Lxily wordlessly smacked her lips before waving her hands at the big-bodied-woman. "This."

"No?" Having finished the ham in record time, she moved onto the full-course meal wheeled in by the school's meal staff.

"You know what, Britany? We should be BFFs."

"It's Brittany." Brittany corrected. "With two T's."

"Whatever. Oh! Oh! Oh! You can be my BBFF!"

"BBFF?" Brittany made a face. "What's a BBFF?"

"Big-Bodied-Friend-Forever!" Lxily held up her phone and took a picture of the two of them.

Brittany was both a little freaked out, and stuffing her face with burgers and ribs the kid on the other side of her had brought for lunch but had unfortunately placed within arm's reach.

"I can already tell. We. Are. Going. To. Be. The. Bestest. Of. Friends. Maybe." Lxily picked up her backpack and unzipped it.

Brittany hoped the conversation had ended and turned back to copying her notes from the chalkboard.

"Here's a phone so we can stay in constant contact. It has a built-in GPS and a special ringtone set to my number." Lxily handed the device over to her new best friend.

Brittany sighed.

"Also, since I'm TRYING to watch my figure to attract this boy I like, and my mom just thought I asked for _more food_ when I pointed out a... _hunky dude. _I have ALL this food I need you to eat. K? Thanks. Bye."

Lxily dumped out a backpack of questionable treats and pastries. Junk food and food junk. All out onto Brittany's desk.

Brittany, due to her condition, couldn't resist. And Lxily smiled all-knowing to herself before grabbing a twinkie of her own and stuffing it in her mouth. Smiling with the thing half-chewed in between her teeth, Lxily didn't seem to notice Brittany slink back into her seat.

"Miss Hendricks!" Lxily raised her hand.

"Yes, Lily—er—Lxily?"

"Can I be excused to the bathroom! My bladder's about to burst!"

"...Yes, Lxily. But hurry back won't you?" Miss Hendricks returned to adding more notes to the board.

Lxily winked at Brittany before pulling out a bottle of wine and making a drinking face before strutting out of the classroom and hooking a random boy walking down the hall.

"Saaaaaay..." Lxily faded off into the distance.

"Phew." Brittany breathed a sigh of relief before a crazy deep-throated moan came from her phone's speakers.

Everyone in the classroom, including Miss Hendricks, who looked both enormously embarrassed AND outraged, looked in Brittany's direction.

"Hello?" She answered the phone as meekly as possible. Feeling about three feet tall.

"Hi!" It was Lxily. Of course it was Lxily. "I forgot the wine glasses in my backpack, can you be a doll and bring those."

"Umm..." Brittany rummaged around Lxily's backpack stuffing a lollipop in her mouth as she did so. "There's _three_ glasses in here."

"Duh! You're coming too, aren't you?"

"But.. Miss Hendricks!"

"Forget Miss Hendricks.. her tests and class lectures always get interrupted by that Butz kid. And she spends way too much of her time boogie-boarding anyway. C'mon! You're not.. one of those boring fat kids are you? Like Coach Heinz?"

"Who's Coach Heinz?"

"OH-EMM-GEE! YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!"

To be concluded in...

"Passing Passions."


End file.
